Tears From The Inside

A few weeks ago, my Mommy passed on and while it was real possibility and caused me a lot of chilled moments  through the years, after she did go , it still occasionally does not feel real. There are flashes and many more. You see, physical separation is extremely difficult and it matters not that your loved one may or not have been unwell for however long. You always hope for the best. Over the years there were times i wanted to fold and disappear then return hopefully to a new scenario. Go offline and take a very long walk somewhere go take several deep breathes and also bring her along to some of these. But i knew if i do that, there is likely going to be a large wave of panic for many reasons. During these times i refused to cry, to fold to disappear.
I knew i should never allow her or anyone of my dear ones see me cry or they would hurt or break their resolve.  I needed them strong too for my sake you know, for all our sakes. But even in her deepest of pains and struggles, we learnt the strength, beauty , love and depth of a mother that knows no bounds even though she would often say  to me and joke to people ‘oh but now you are our mother, there comes times when a mother becomes daughter and daughter mother’. And we would laugh and i would swear i’m going to be their child forever even at 100 years i will come home and forget i am anything else but a child so allow me to busk and be the baby i can be for as long as i feel like it.
She’s a mother to more than those she birthed she took care of and prayed for people she truly did not have to even when in hospital chemo running through her veins or nursing post surgery body. She’s busy asking about the nurses welfare, her new friends there, she had even acquired a grandchild a fellow patient at the hospital who decided she is her granny! And we would on occasion call the girl’s mom to find out how she’s progressing.  Mom would go on about how my friends are, both the virtual ones and the ones from wherever, my sibling’s school our dad and our family’s antics considering we are all a force each on their own 🙂  How our night was and even if or what we dreamt if at all!
Yes even the random friends and people i would mention or tell her about. She knew who i am chatting with what we are talking about. Not a regular occurrence in this generation .
Many times she could have given up but looked around, held fast and renewed her strength in God. We have and may never again see such strength its insane not even doctors understood. She held her strength not that she did not have down times. In fact the piece below, was written during one of those times when i would just say Lord send me a hug, just one so deep, so warm and let me cry if i have to for her for me for all of us. Let it be like some healing balm. I remember on this evening, walking to the supermarket, dressed in jackets and you name it. I run  into this one lady a family friend who gave me just that what i prayed for and i spoke everything i usually don’t that was at the top of my heart at that time. Suddenly the setting sun looked more beautiful and felt much warmer i could take off an extra layer. She later that week came home to see her sister-friend and let her cry her heart out, prayed with her and she felt like she could breath and run another race.
~~~~                                                                      ~~~~
When you wish you can fold and cry but the tears are too expensive and likely to scrap where it shouldn’t, keep the well in and other times be courageous and let it flow.
When you ask Him to dry them from the inside
To wipe them away…
And make you smile from the inside too.
When the only choice you have is to be strong because His still working from the inside.
The  well is often too full
Afraid to spill, afraid to see it real
You close your eyes and tilt your head back
Because, tears from the inside shouldn’t fall …yet.
So,
You hold them in so that those around may stay strong. That way, you create an army of strong people and  let the one in the inside bring new rivers bursting with joy and cheer.
Because tears from the inside,
Well from the deep and often have already filled everything around and there’s no more place to empty.
And sometimes you can’t trust the rain to wash them away so you wait because the sun is what you need to dry. The warmth it is!
Then, you look forward hoping and knowing there are better days and that soon when the well is pouring outside it will be with joy and good testimony.
Because tears from the inside come with a truth and depth of their own.
When you wish you can fold and cry but the tears are too expensive and likely to scrap where it shouldn’t , keep the well in and other times be courageous and let it flow.
19th-May-2018

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