Tired But Alive

You know when you are tired of being tired of being tired? Sometimes you need help or people to walk with. Go reach out. Other times you are the major safe deposit box for others. Occasionally you wouldn’t come out because safe boxes don’t open up right? However if you must keep living, take a deep breath and allow yourself to be. Back in August 2015. One of those nights sharing with a dear one when we realized like we often do we were rocking similar boats but alteast we often managed to express ourselves and talk about it in the fewest words possible, a group of emojis and many times a song(s)….

~~~~

I am tired! Yes tired.

No, actually I’m exhausted and beyond exhausted.

Tired of bottled up emotions,

Not just bottled up but tightly so.

I effectively run from them. Its like there is no memory of it.

I  don’t like questions, reminders, arguments.

I don’t like circumstances and situations, where i have to stop and say it feels like I have been here before.

Is this what everyone calls deja vu?

Or is are these parts of effectively blocked memories?

 

Its now easy to help others walk

Walk through thorns, stones, storms, rivers and desserts

What they don’t know is i have looked through those myself in another life.

 

But still, I’m tired.

Tired of routines, tired beyond tired

Of bottled up emotions, feelings and words.

Tired of never finding the right place for them.

In a many long texts, maybe I find a couple of words but not all fit.

In a couple many songs maybe some say it well

but then its like two people or more not one.

 

We wait and yes so faithfully we will

For a week now, I’ve been trying to remember that song that explains it well but zero success

Then one day sitting by awesome children singing as i did each week

Them smiling up at ‘teacher’ oblivious of my spinning everything.

When you reach out and not sure you are reaching right or still too short

When they come and go but not realize they’ve just said or done something that would last forever.

 

So yesterday i reached out to my unnie and she said

I’m alive but tired. Very Tired!’

I know its beyond physical tired.

How do you just wake up in the morning then say,

Good morning ‘  then ‘I’m tired’ in one sentence?

Some of us might have just lived many lives.

So now our replies are ‘I’m alive‘ this ‘old bones’

And thank God alive as so!

But still, tired of one too many night movies we call dreams

Some like series. I don’t like series.

I love to understand. See clearly. Know how far.

But I am reminded that last night, we reminded each other that

It is coldest and darkest just before dawn break.

So now, we keep going so long as we keeping it straight- It could be dawn break real soon.

Then the sun will be up real soon.

It would get hot and cool again real soon.

Then the complete knowledge of day and night will be done all soon.

 

                                                                                         11th-August-2015

 

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